Reminiscing about rave culture and old video jockeys is the best thing you can do with your headphones and pants on while philosophising. It's even better if you can share the memories with someone.
"I wish I'd lived the life of Simone Angel. Or even the interesting fifteen minutes of Rebecca de Ruvo's existence," said Immanuel Kant, twiddling with the CD single of "Let This Feeling" by Simone Angel, who rose to fame as the former host of MTV's Partyzone dance music programme. Simone had been a real party girl in her time, and complete with her slinky top, micro shorts and infectious laughter, Simone managed to sweeten many a glum late night round Immanuel's bachelor pad.
Whenever Kant wanted to think about something completely different than whether a morally righteous act could ever be founded in love, he picked up a frayed VHS tape from his shelf and once again watched Simone's entertaining report from the party island of Ibiza. Nothing helped him put aside his thoughts about transcendental idealism or the categorical imperative underlying moral philosophy as effectively as Simone's crazy dance on the sandy beaches.
Nowadays, Simone doesn't dance her crazy dance on sandy beaches, but lives a completely drug-free alternative life in the jungle of Belize. Not that Kant would claim that Simone was ever anything other than drug-free, because she seems to be exactly the kind of happy go lucky child who discovered her inner sun early on, and can blow a whistle and wave her glow-in-the-dark party sticks in the air powered by nothing stronger than chamomile tea.
Kant's record shelf also includes Simone's other singles, When Love Rules The World and Walk on Water . He took a tender look at his record shelf, at that translucent tapestry of life formed by all those colourful spines. Kant would often get lost in thought when looking at his record shelf, because looking at his record shelf always caused warm shivers.
Of course, that bubbling feeling in his belly was partly caused by the satisfaction of owning rarities that is characteristic of a collector, but also because of what electronic pop represented. How the whiplash of the drum machine and the sequenced arpeggios and warm analogue bubblebath created by vintage synthesisers surrounded Immanuel in those mundane moments and provided a whole new perspective on life. How impressed he was by poetic words of love – budding, bursting, fulfilling and ending in bitter disappointment – when they were skillfully placed against a melodic and multi-layered electronic surface.
If you were to look at Kant's life thus far from an outsider's point of view, only by following the meticulously alphabetised narrative of his musical history, you would end up from the A of the Norwegian band A-ha to the Norwegian letter of the surname of Erlend Oye, former Kings of Convenience frontman, and you would mistake Kant for being Norwegian. But maybe he was ostensibly Norwegian, a synthesis of the chiselled jawline of A-ha's far too handsome vocalist and Nerdy-Erlend's slender frame and chunky specs.
"Did you know Simone allegedly broke Moby's heart?" Kant asked his usually ill-tempered colleague Hegel, who was sitting in his reading corner, referring to that American techno-pioneer and famous baldy vegan.
"According to Simone, Moby had an unrequited crush on her, as I understand it, and they crossed swords for good when Simone became involved with Moby's best friend, the artist Damien Loeb," Kant continued.
" I've always somehow been able to identify with Simone, because our lives have followed very similar paths with the difference that I've never been a party girl in the true sense of the word or been the subject of an unrequited crush by a vegan pop star."
Hegel didn't react to Kant in any way from inside his immersive leather armchair. The absent-minded philosopher had shrunk to such a small size in his latter days that only the rave-inspired Boy London baseball cap he received as a gift from Kant could be seen over the plush armrest. The cap had a large, slightly license plate-like metal patch that said"Boy-1". Hegel often wore the cap also outside techno parties, but he had never agreed to put on another gift from Kant, a tent-like hoodie with yellow and black patterns reminiscent of nuclear power plant warning signs.
"Let this feeling take control now. Let this feeling overflow now.”
"Good old Paul King, of course, had his Love and Pride hit, and he's a really nice guy by the way," Kant continued with a story about another VJ from the early days of MTV, who also tried his wings as a pop star.
"I once had a dream that Paul and I enjoyed a proper five o'clock tea with cucumber sandwiches, scones and cakes, and took a rowboat directly from the beachside cafe for a refreshing shandy – a mixture of beer and lemonade – on the terrace of a cricket pavilion. I wonder what your recent comparison to Sophocles' tragedy Antigone would make of the sexual implications of that dream," Kant continued his soliloquy for so long that Hegel finally looked up from his book.
" Now, do I understand correctly that you want us to talk about old video jockeys instead of trying to solve this still-work-in-progress question of the relationship between love, religion, and morality?" Hegel growled in annoyance.
"Yeah. But I don't think you can," Kant challenged his friend.
"How come I can't?" Hegel answered now clearly more interested, and squatted in his giant armchair so that Kant could see his plump little face framed by his fashionable Bono-type fly sunglasses. Hegel had a new cheek piercing and a freshly henna-dyed goatee. Crouching in his oversized chair, he looked like a child dressed up as a grumpy little old man for a novelty poster.
"I just thought that lately you've seemed interested in nothing but your own idealistic theory and the ideals of rationality," Kant provoked Hegel.
"Fine," Hegel sighed deeply.
"Did you hear that Germany's VJ Kristiane Backer is now a homeopath? And what about Finland's own Maria G? Wonderful Maria. Do you remember how she had such a cute, twitchy screen mannerism that looked like she was shivering? I thought Maria G was so lovely at the time that I didn't dare to approach her in the flesh, even though she was just a few metres away as a guest deejay at our favourite club.
I wouldn't even be fit to approach Ray Cokes , because that man has more natural charisma in one eyebrow than I do, even if I practiced in front of a mirror for a year," Hegel ended his monologue with a significant "ta-daa" gesture, with which he also wanted to state "what did I say?"
"Is there any way I can now continue working? I'm trying to justify how the sharp divide between the state and the family is actually an illusion, because in the end both are held together by the same structure of love, which is actually also the structure of the spirit, and it won't work if you keep trying to get my verdict on Simone's most classic interview," Hegel said strictly.
"Of course," Kant said, clearly feeling a certain pride in his friend's versatile conversational skills. Strictly speaking, the conversation between them was, of course, never a real conversation but a series of statements and utterances, arguments and counter-arguments. But that's how the interaction tends to be between two philosophers.
"Besides, everyone knows that Simone's most legendary interview was the one with Moby, where they abruptly swapped clothes, and at the end Moby was wearing Simone's silver party dress and spoke in a shrill voice," Kant laughed.
"For once, I agree with you exactly on that, although we seem to be at odds when it comes to the ethics and morality of love," Hegel smiled, lifted his spectacles to his nose and descended into the embrace of his meditative cove.
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